Mommy Guilt

Disclaimer--- originally written a few months ago but never managed to publish until now. Better late than never right?!

Uuuuggghh! My intentions of being more active on this blog he been stunted by constant nausea. What a rough few weeks it has been! The constant head-in-toilet action around here has put a damper on my "joy" of being a mom.

More than anything lately I struggle wit the dreaded "g-word"...... Guilt. I feel guilty for not being my usual upbeat, energetic, fun, stimulating mom to Luke. I once prided myself on the fact that my son never watched any TV other than on long car rides. Now he is watching an hour + every day because it's the only thing to keep him entertained while I have  regular dates with the porcelain throne. as an educator I know just how critical these months are in Luke's developmental growth and yet I can't bring myself to given him what I know he deserves.

I feel guilty that I can't nurse him as often and as long as I used to. My milk supply has dropped significantly and the pain I feel after about 10 minutes is too much to bear. It's been hard to Luke to adjust to not nursing to sleep every night. He'll say, "Mommmy mo (more)?" and my response is "Mommy needs to make more, you drank it all up." Which is always followed by a big ol cry from him. He even said last night "Put baaaa (back)". He wanted to put he milk he drank back so he could nurse more. poor lil guy.

I feel guilty for not being as excited for this new little sprout growing in me as I was with Luke. Of course I am excited but it's just been really hard to be thrilled that my constant morning sickness is here interrupting my supermom-ness with Luke. 

I feel guilty that I haven't been able to eat as well during the first trimester with this new one as I was when pregnant with Luke. I've been living on carbs, eggs and bananas as compared to the tons of veggies and fruit I ate during my first pregnancy.

(Side note: I had my first prenatal doctor's appointment last week! I really was excited for it and to hear the little heartbeat that's hiding inside of my belly. Two days later I had a "dating ultrasound". It turns out that I am only 12 weeks tomorrow so new due date is September 20th. Oh and yes I am completely IN LOVE with my new baby. It's so hard to explain how it feels! Here is a pic of my newest love.)

(OK, back to guilt...)

I feel guilty as a wife. I haven't been able to hold up my end of our daily chores. Laundry is forever piling up, and when I do manage to get it done it never manages to find it's way into their drawers, shelves as hangers. Meals have been mediocre. Cleaning is just not in the cards. Oh and intimacy with Mitch is impossible without the threat of puking all over him. My incredibly amazing, supportive husband is wonderful and has picked up my slack without any complaints, yet I still feel guilty. Here is the note I came downstairs to yesterday:

I am an awful pet owner lately. The smell of Jack (our gorgeous flat coated retriever) is enough to make me hurl. And my kitty Holly just wants to cuddle and I can't stand being touched. So yet again I feel guilty.

I know it's hormones that are fuelling these feelings but man it's not fun to deal with. I can't wait for Spring... Hope of a new season, new trimester, new life. A resurgence of all things Laura is definitely in order!

Pregnancy Update.... Finally!

Oh my goodness, once again blog updates got put on the back burner once morning sickness reared its ugly head :( Second pregnancy, second time rocked by the ol' all day nausea beast. I found it even worse this time around though because I was so much more tired chasing a toddler around all day, nursing him 3 and 4 times a night, than I was working a desk job like I did when I was pregnant with Luke.  But I'm not going to dwell on the past, and just get on with the update.

I am currently 26 weeks-ish pregnant with our second baby BOY. We couldn't be more thrilled to have another little man joining our family in mid-late September. We have a name picked out and settled on but we are keeping it a secret until he is born. Stay tuned.... Only 14ish weeks to go.

I can definitely say I am super excited to be pregnant and have a little life growing inside of me but it's so different this time around. I am so busy with Luke that I don't really have the time to even notice if baby #2 is alive and kicking until naptime and bedtime.  We haven't started to plan the nursery yet, we haven't really done much at all for this kiddo. Second child syndrome at its best. 

Physically, however I'm noticing a lot of differences this time around. I started showing so much earlier... had to haul out the pregnancy pants at 14 weeks this time. I have been getting a lot of pain/pressure on my pelvic bone over the last few weeks-- pelvic girdle pain. No fun! This little dude is sitting really low in my pelvis which isn't helping I'm sure. I haven't been exercising nearly as much this time and need to really make that a focus and priority now that I'm in the "feel good" trimester. Yoga, walking, and biking will be my staples shortly. Oh and I get lots of stabbing pains in and around my abdomen.... Round ligament pain is way worse this pregnancy. And lastly, the most frustrating and embarrassing physical issue is urinary incontinence. Panty liners are a must! Between sneezing, picking up my 30lb toddler, and having a growing baby sitting on my bladder I don't have a hope in heck to stay dry. Kegels haven't helped at all. I have a referral to see a physiotherapist who specializes is pelvic floor issues and I have a feeling she is going to be my new best friend over the next year or so.

Oh and the biggest and most exciting news is we have decided to have this little sprout at home. I always have felt like hospitals are for sick people and pregnancy isn't a sickness. Having a home birth feels so right and aligns itself so well with who I am. I will end there and will do a seperate post on our plan to birth baby #2 at home.

Momma's Essentials

Most of you can probably guess that I try to be as "natural", "organic", and "clean" as possible in every aspect of my life, but no where has this been more important to me than in my role as Momma. I have been using Young Living Essential Oils now for over 3 years. It all started when I was pregnant with Luke and I had a bad head cold. A friend introduced me diffusing Eucaylptus Radiata and I was infantry hooked! Something pure and natural that actually worked?!

Ever since them I've used YLEOs for everything from bug bites, to headaches, to cleaning the bathroom, to treating teething pain for my son. The list can truly go on and on.

So, finally I've decided to become an independent distributor for Young Living. I am goin to share my experiences and thought and uses of YLEOs here and over on my facebook page www.facebook.com/mommasessentials . So head on over and Like and Share my page please and thank you :)

Week 6

I have officially finished my sixth week of this pregnancy. It was a bittersweet week. The excitement of a new little sprout growing inside of me was dulled by the arrival of an old familiar feeling of all day nausea. 

I find that this pregnancy is very similar to the one I had with Luke. I have the same feelings of morning sickness at the same time (started at 6 weeks with Luke too),the  same old first trimester exhaustion, acne and bloat. ---Pregnancy sounds so beautiful when you put it like that doesn't it?!

But, I have noticed some new symptoms that I never had with Luke. I am constantly running to the bathroom no matter how much or how little I drink. I also have to reacquaint myself with kegels because of what happens when I sneeze, or carry something heavy (if you know what I mean). And I find it is starting to really hurt to nurse Luke these days, which I find really difficult. Our breastfeeding journey has been an amazing one, and I really hope it doesn't end on a bad note. I realize many toddlers wean when milk supply goes down at the start of the second trimester so I am trying my hardest to keep in mind that each painful feeding now may be one closer to the end of the incredible nursing relationship that we have shared for he last 22 months and 5 days. 

Another new experience for me is cravings! I never had them with Luke but I seriously crave EVERYTHING!!! Ice cream, pickles, salsa, pizza, plain noodles, French fries, you name it I have been craving it. I haven't indulged or given in to any of them yet except for a Western sandwich (fried eggs in general), and veggies and dip. I seriously eat one of these trays everyday.

As I go through each passing week of this pregnancy I am trying to enjoy every moment , yes even the sick ones, because I don't know if I will ever be pregnant again.  I would love to have more kids but financially I just don't think we can handle more. So for now I'll enjoy the nausea, as I go enjoy some fried eggs while Luke has his nap :)

Good News

Well, I'm happy to say that I've already reached one of my biggest goals for the New Year..... I'm pregnant!!!! To say that we're thrilled is definitely an understatement :) 

We had been trying for baby #2 for over a year but because I refused to wean Luke from breastfeeding, my cycles were non-existant until June (15 months post Partum) and remained irregular since then. Because of the irregularity, we had thought we might be pregnant a few times in the last year, only to be heartbroken to get yet another negative pregnancy test.  But this time things were a little different...

I had been really tired - but thought it was because the holidays threw Luke out of schedule and he was getting up at 3:30 and 4 for the day for over a week.

I was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes to pee - but I never had that frequent urination symptom when I was pregnant with Luke, and thought maybe it was because I was drinking more coffee and tea (see tiredness above).

I was getting slight cramping and bloat - but I have a gluten intolerance and sometimes I get gas pains from food.

But I convinced Mitch to go buy a test for me anyway. So of course he buys the no- name brand, hard to read kind. This is what I got: 

The faintest line ever!!! (Oh and the pic  was put through Instagram filters to help see it.) But I remember hearing, no matter  how faint the line is, if there is a line then you're pregnant. So I was convinced. And ecstatic. 

All week, Mitch, was a little off... He didn't get excited like he did when we were pregnant with Luke. So I was worried he was disappointed or something, a didn't understand why. But finally on Friday morning he texted me from work and told me he wasn't convinced because "those lines were REALLY faint". I told him to buy a name brand, digital test so there could be no denying it. He did and this was the result: 

He was finally able to accept it and the excitement broke through. Men eh? Haha.

So it's really early, according to the apps I'm 5 weeks and 1 day right now. Due date is approximately September 15th. I can't wait to share the next 9 months with you :)

A New Year, A New Pledge

Happy New Year!  Wow, it's crazy but it's been well over a year since I've blogged but 2014 comes with a new pledge to be more active on here :) 

I can't write a post on January 1st without talking about resolutions. I feel the word "resolution" comes with too much pressure, like it is just looming over me waiting for me to fail. So this year I'm not making resolutions, I'm setting goals instead. 

Personal Goals:

- get pregnant and have another baby

- try harder to be a better wife and mother to my amazing husband and adorable little son

- be more organized with housework 

- become more responsible financially... Hello Dave Ramsey my old friend :)

- get serious about getting back in shape

Professional Goals:

- continue to build and grow my baby signing business, My Smart Hands Moncton

- expand my crafting business, How Cute

- start my certificate Foundations in Anthroposophy through the Rudolph Steiner Centre

In the days to come I'll write more about the points in more details but all the fun and excitement of the holidays has worn this momma out. 

Good night, sweet dreams, and Happy New Year!

Are You Living Your Dream?

So, I have to start by admitting that I am obsessed with Pinterest. It's my new Google. The other day I came across a "pin" of the first picture below. Obviously it caused me to ask myself, "Am I really living my dream?".

In many ways, yes. I am married to an incredible man. Together we have the most precious baby boy. We live in a nice, new neighbourhood, drive a safe, new SUV, have a gorgeous dog and a feisty cat. I could go on and on. I am blessed beyond words! But.....

But I am not fully living my dream. My dream doesn't include leaving my baby, before he's even a full year old, to go to work at a relatively unfulfilling job for a small pay check. Yes, the inevitable "going back to work" decision has been weighing heavily on me lately.

It has been my dream to be a teacher. And, thankfully, I had the opportunity of having my own classroom in the public education system, and all of the joys and pains associated with that. But a broad range of issues caused me to give up my life as a public school teacher (a decision I am very happy with). My dream, and calling of being a teacher is still in me, but in a different way.

I dream of starting a small, private, Waldorf-inspired, home school. To many this dream doesn't sound grandiose, but to me this is a big dream. Waldorf education is something I am very passionate about, and really want my children to have the opportunity to be educated the Waldorf way; however, there are no Waldorf schools nearby so it's up to me to provide one. I do want to provide the chance for other children to benefit from a Waldorf education too, and ideally I'd have approximately 6-8 children in my home daily for school.

But there are 5 more years before my little Luke is ready for school, so what to do between now and then?! Well, for the next couple of years it's babysitting following the Lifeways' methods. This will allow me to stay home with my son, give him the foundation of learning that I believe strongly in, and allow me to "teach" again. Then once baby #2 comes along and is settled I plan on opening my own LifeWays preschool. And then finally begin my Waldorf school when alike is ready for kindergarten.

So, am I living my dream? Not fully.... yet. But I am taking some risks and moving forward towards making me live my dream. It's scary to leave the known for the unknown, but all I can do is cling my hope that it will all turn out and try my best to trust in The Lord, that My plans align themselves with the plans He has for me.