Are You Living Your Dream?

So, I have to start by admitting that I am obsessed with Pinterest. It's my new Google. The other day I came across a "pin" of the first picture below. Obviously it caused me to ask myself, "Am I really living my dream?".

In many ways, yes. I am married to an incredible man. Together we have the most precious baby boy. We live in a nice, new neighbourhood, drive a safe, new SUV, have a gorgeous dog and a feisty cat. I could go on and on. I am blessed beyond words! But.....

But I am not fully living my dream. My dream doesn't include leaving my baby, before he's even a full year old, to go to work at a relatively unfulfilling job for a small pay check. Yes, the inevitable "going back to work" decision has been weighing heavily on me lately.

It has been my dream to be a teacher. And, thankfully, I had the opportunity of having my own classroom in the public education system, and all of the joys and pains associated with that. But a broad range of issues caused me to give up my life as a public school teacher (a decision I am very happy with). My dream, and calling of being a teacher is still in me, but in a different way.

I dream of starting a small, private, Waldorf-inspired, home school. To many this dream doesn't sound grandiose, but to me this is a big dream. Waldorf education is something I am very passionate about, and really want my children to have the opportunity to be educated the Waldorf way; however, there are no Waldorf schools nearby so it's up to me to provide one. I do want to provide the chance for other children to benefit from a Waldorf education too, and ideally I'd have approximately 6-8 children in my home daily for school.

But there are 5 more years before my little Luke is ready for school, so what to do between now and then?! Well, for the next couple of years it's babysitting following the Lifeways' methods. This will allow me to stay home with my son, give him the foundation of learning that I believe strongly in, and allow me to "teach" again. Then once baby #2 comes along and is settled I plan on opening my own LifeWays preschool. And then finally begin my Waldorf school when alike is ready for kindergarten.

So, am I living my dream? Not fully.... yet. But I am taking some risks and moving forward towards making me live my dream. It's scary to leave the known for the unknown, but all I can do is cling my hope that it will all turn out and try my best to trust in The Lord, that My plans align themselves with the plans He has for me.

The Mommy in Me

Well I've officially been a mom for 17 weeks and 5 days. My goodness it's been a whirlwind as I've learned (and continue to learn) to adjust to life as a first time mom. First, I have to say that I honestly have loved EVERY minute of it... and yes that includes getting pooped, peed and spit-up on, as well as the sleepless nights. Taking care of my baby boy is what I am meant to go. It honestly fills me with the deepest joy.

It's hard to believe that my little Luke will be 4 and 1/2 months old this Thursday! Time is flying and he is growing way too fast. I notice him changing every day-- getting taller, his hair growing longer, his facial expressions getting more pronounced, his vocalizations having more and more meaning, volume, and personality. I feel so privileged to get to be a witness to his little life.

The teacher in me is in awe of this little developing person. Watching him figure our how to bat or grasp a dangling toy, or how to roll over (which he can now do both ways---front to back and back to front), or even seeing him feel new sensations (the grass on his bare feet, the condensation on my cold glass of water, etc.) I find myself continually amazed by his bright desire and determination to learn and experience new things.

I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me my son!

Luke's Birth Story --part 2 (at the hospital)

So, Mitch and I get to the hospital at 4 a.m. We enter through the Emergency entrance because the main doors are still locked for the evening. A nice young lady directed us to the elevator and up to the 3rd floor. Then from there Mitch and I kind of had to find our own way. I never took the prenatal classes that the hospital offered, and thus, never had a tour of the maternity floor. Despite not knowing where exactly we were going, and despite having contractions every 3-4 minutes Mitch and I were in great spirits.

Finally, a nurse saw us and got us settled into the labour and delivery room. I changed into the hospital gown and then she hooked me up to the monitor for 20 minutes. Baby's heart rate was great and my blood pressure was fine so she unhooked me from the monitor and left. Mitch and I didn't really know what to do next haha. The nurse never really gave us much direction so I decided I'd pretend I was at home... That I'd do what I would be doing if I were at home in my room, rather than the cramped, small L&D room.

The next few hours were spent with me standing up and swaying, or sitting down and rocking.... Just riding each wave of uncomfort. At 6:30ish I started to feel like the contractions were painful not just uncomfortable. The pain wasn't too bad... old sports injuries were much worse.

It wasn't long after 6:30 that the nurse came and hooked me up to the monitor again. She asked me if I was having to breathe through the contractions yet. I told her that yes, I was breathing through most of then. About 10 minutes later (but felt like forever since I had to sit still in bed and couldn't get up and move), she came back and unhooked me. She said, "Oh you're just having some mild contractions right now, I'll be back later." I remember feeling so mad at her. " How dare she say these are mild contractions?! "

Mitch and I turned the TV on but I really din't remember what we watched. By this time I was so focused on each contraction. Again, I just alternated between standing up and swaying, and sitting on the edge of the bed rocking.

At 7:50 Mitch got up to use the bathroom. The contractions I had when he was in there were the worst. Apparently, Mitch knew things were picking up because instead of hearing me do my usual sounds on a simple, I ended up making a faint "hoo" sound. All I remember was trying to get comfortable... I couldn't sit because it hurt too much, and I couldn't stand either. Mitch came out of the bathroom as I was trying to sit on the edge of the bed, and as I let out another little "hoo" because the pressure was just too much. As I went to sit... POP, my water broke all over the sheets. It was 7:50 a.m.

Mitch spoke up so the nurses would hear him, "Excuse me nurse, her water just broke". I looked at the bed quickly before heading to the bathroom and saw the fluid was green-tinged, not clear. I felt so disappointed and worried that the meconium would hurt the baby... And possibly lead to a c-section if I couldn't get him out. But I made my way to the toilet so that the test of the waters would go there. The nurse came into the room... It was a new nurse (a much nicer one); there had been a shift change.

As I sat on the toilet the pressure as really bad and I said, " It feels like he's coming out!" When I said that another nurse came in and helped to get me back to the bed... the other nurse stripped the bed and put new sheets down. Then they checked me and said, "you're ready, you are a 10!"

Then things got a little panicky feeling... Not for me but for the nurses. The doctor hadn't arrived yet. She was stuck in traffic. The nurses told me not to push... to wait until the doctor arrived. I told them, "I can't help it!" but I did try my best to not push so that I could give my perineum time to stretch, open, and adjust.

The doctor arrived at 8:05, and introduced herself as she got gowned and into position. She was so nice and despite the situation was very calming. She obviously didn't have time to read my birth plan but someone must have filled her in on the way because she was on the ball... she mentioned she was not a fan of episiotomies either, no pitocin, delay cutting cord, and a few other "top priorities" of mine. She did tell me that since the baby pooped inside and the amniotic fluid wasn't clear, they would have to pay extra attention to his breathing. If he cried right away then everything would be fine and he could do skin-to-skin immediately. However, if he didn't cry they'd have to hand him to an awaiting doctor (who was standing in the corner of the room). I prayed right then and there that he'd be ok.

Finally by 8:10 we were good to go. I was able to push. I remember one nurse telling me to "push through the pain". That phrase really helped me. Whenever it would start to really hurt I tried to push harder and the baby moved down farther. Well it only took about a dozen pushes before our little Luke was born.

At 8:34 Luke arrived with a big cry. They lifted my son onto my chest and within seconds he had latched on to have his first feeding. He was so warm and precious... even though he pooped on me :) Mitch and I thought we would cry the minute we saw him, but we didn't. As Luke nursed away, I looked up at Mitch and we both just smiled at each other, in awe of the blessing that was in my arms.

I don't really remember exactly what the doctor said to me but it was something along the lines of--- placenta breaking down so they couldn't wait to cut the umbilical cord. Mitch got to do it :) I was a little disappointed that it had to be cut so soon since I had read about how beneficial it can be to wait until it stops pulsing etc. But I figured if that was all that had gone "wrong" I was one lucky mama.

I lost quite a bit of blood before the placenta was birthed... Which came within a few short minutes. Thankfully the bleeding stopped on its own soon after so I didn't have to have a shot of pitocin. Hallelujah for the 100% drug free, natural birth that I wanted!

I did have to have some major repairs done "down below. I ended up withe a 3rd degree tear... Which basically is the 2nd worst kind of tear you can get (there are only 4 degrees). So the gynecologist came in and worked away at me for nearly 45 minutes, and then my OB finished up the last of it. The local anesthetic they gave me started to wear off when she came in to finish things up. She asked if i wanted another shot, but said, "you just delivered a big baby without any pain meds, i think you can handle a few short minutes of stitches." To say the least, i didn't opt for more anesthetic.

So for an hour they stitched up layers of tissue, muscle and skin. The time went by pretty fast though because I had Luke nursing away the whole time. He was a great distraction from it all.

Finally it was clean-up time. Mitch and Luke went to the nursery to get all wiped down, weighed and measured. Meanwhile the nurses helped clean me up. I had to stay in the L&D room all morning because they had to wait for my private room to be ready.

Just before it was time to move me a nurse came in to help me try going to the bathroom. Well, I got to the toilet and had a "head rush" (dizzy, seeing stars, etc) and fainted. Mitch was holding Luke and the nurse told him to put the baby down and help her. She told him to push the emergency button and a bunch of nurses showed up just as I came to. I woke up feeling like I had just had the best dream... I felt so rested and relaxed. The nurse got Mitch to help me from the toilet to a wheel chair. Well, I stood up, wrapped my arms around him and fainted again. He was strong enough to take my weight, and when I came to again I was sitting in the wheel chair. Again, I felt like I had the best dream, and was so rested. They wheeled me over to the bed, and Mitch helped me up and into bed. Thankfully no more fainting. For the rest of the day, everytime I stood up I felt the "head rush" feeling so Mitch had to help me to the bathroom all day. I wasn't overly worried about it because being 6'1" I've always had issues with getting the blood to my brain when standing up too fast. But poor Mitch... I'll never forget the looks of concern on his face.

10 and 1/2 hours of labour was definitely not easy. It was hard and fast. But it was SO worth every minute of it. My little Luke is the light of my life. I didn't know it was possible to love a person so much, so fast until he came along. I feel so incredibly blessed to have him here. I feel so incredibly blessed to have Mitch as my husband and for Luke to have him as his Dad. I am so thankful to God for these amazing blessings that He has given me.

Luke's Birth Story- part one (before the hospital)

Well, it's kind of hard to believe our baby boy has arrived! Mitch and I are enamoured and still kind of in shock over the fact that, together, we made this little guy.

So before I forget what actually happened during the hours leading up to/during/shortly after our son's birth I thought I should write it down. And because reading other people's stories helped me envision my own experience I am posting it here for any travelers to stumble upon :)

LUKE THOMAS MARTIN

March 22, 2012

8:34 am

8 lbs 7.7 oz.

It all began on Wednesday I guess. I got up that morning, went downstairs to make Mitch his lunch and spend some time together before he headed off to work. I remember him saying, "Luke, it's time to come out. We want to meet you." We both laughed and Mitch left for work for the day. It was a gorgeous day and decided to do some laundry and hang it on the line. Other than that all my chores were done. I had nothing else to do but relax. So I went to the living room and tried to get my mind off of being overdue. After browsing the Internet for "natural ways to induce labour" and learning lots, my sister-in-law called and then came over with my niece for a little visit. It was so nice to have company and visitors since I was starting to find the time home long.

Anyway, the rest of the afternoon was spent doing laundry, vacuuming, talking with my mom on the phone, and just generally relaxing. It was 25 degrees outside so I even took a book and caught a little vitamin d :) it was during this afternoon that I began to feel a little gassy and ended up pooping 2 times ( which is rare for me... My gluten intolerance has me a once every two days kind of gal). I really didn't think much of it though.

I should mention that at my last doctor's appointment they scheduled me for induction for Thursday morning... I wasn't happy about this and had decided to call the labour and delivery section of the hospital, early on Thursday morning, to tell them that I wouldn't be coming in and would like to wait longer as my baby,at the time, was only 1 week late.

Mitch texted me in the late afternoon to check in with me. He then put he idea of going to the food court at the mall for crappy Chinese food for supper. The Inside of the house was hot and I didn't really feel like cooking so I was game.

Mitch arrived home from work shortly after that and we took Jack for his nightly walk. Then headed off to the mall. We enjoyed a junk food supper of Chinese food and then a DQ blizzard for dessert. We waddled around the mall a couple of times and headed home.

The remainder of the evening was spent relaxing in front of the TV, and just sitting and talking. Finally at 9:45 we headed up to bed. We got settled all cosy under the covers, and just like every night for the past 9 months, Mitch talked to my belly for a few minutes, read a story, and kissed me. He added his nightly salutation of "Goodnight and sweet dreams. I love you." He rolled over and went to sleep.

I laid there and silently said my prayers. When I was done I felt my first contraction... although I didn't know it was one. It just felt like bad gas pains, like what I would feel if I were to eat wheat. I looked at the time and it was 10:09. I continued to lay there trying to fall asleep.

Exactly 20 minutes later I felt it again. I decided to get up and try going to the bathroom, but once I was there the pain had stopped and I couldn't go. So I waddled back to bed thinking, "Hmm something's up". And so I began to time the "gas pains" when the next one happened (11 minutes after the second one). Here is what I tracked:
10:42. 10:52
11:03. 11:10
11:19. 11:33
I decided to wake Mitch up by this time to let him know that I was definitely having contractions. And that it was really uncomfortable to lay-still so I was gonna be getting in and out of bed a lot. Knowing this whole labour thing could take a while he went back to sleep.

From 11:40 onward contractions were coming every 4-6 minutes. I remember liking the consistency because I could enjoy the down time between contractions, knowing I could be comfortable for 4 full minutes was a great relief.

At around midnight Mitch woke up and checked to see if I was ok. I jokingly said, "oh this is gonna take a while. I am guessing the baby will come around 8:30. We won't head to the hospital until 6:30 ish."

2:16- by this time things were getting a little more uncomfortable so I decided to take a shower. I woke Mitch to tell him just so that he could keep an ear out in case I needed him. I had more contractions while I was in the shower. And boy are "they" right when they say water helps relieve the uncomfort.

Most books you read about childbirth advise first time moms to go to the hospital after contractions have been consistently 5 minutes apart for an hour. Well, the book that I decided to trust - Natural Hospital Childbirth- said to stay home as long as possible in order to avoid pressure of intervention from the nurses and OB's. So we decided to ignore the one hour rule.

By 3 am Mitch couldn't sleep.. He said he was getting excited :) So he decided to get up and give Jack his morning walk ( 3 hours earlier than normal ), and have a shower. I sat and bounced/swayed on my exercise ball through all of this.

At 3:30 we were sitting in the kitchen, Mitch was eating breakfast, I was drinking water (trying to prevent dehydration during birth) and the car was all packed up and ready to go, and we looked at each other and said we were bored. Yes, bored. Everything was done and ready so it was just a waiting game from there. So, we talked about it and chose to head to the hospital early... There'd be no traffic to fight with, parking would be easier to find, etc. And at 3:45 we got in the car and headed to the hospital.

My Natural Hospital Childbirth Plan

As the birth of my little boy approaches I thought I better put all of my thoughts and heartfelt desires for my birth onto paper, to have at the ready when it's time to go to the hospital.

I would ideally like to have a home birth, assisted by a licensed mid-wife. Well, living in New Brunswick,Canada where midwifery is allegal and where currently there are no certified midwives accepting new clients, this ideal cannot be a reality for me. And although I would do a home birth with "just" a doula, Mitch is not comfortable with that. So, we will head to the hospital when labour happens.

So here it is... my plan for a natural hospital childbirth (extended version):

I am planning a natural, intervention-free birth. I have never done this before, and although I'm a little nervous, I am hopeful, prepared, and determined. Please support me in this endeavour.

BEGINNING LABOUR
-I would like to begin labour naturally. I know that artificially induced labour can hurt more than a labour that begins on its own, and I really don't want to have to use pain medicines.
-If my water breaks first, I would like to wait for contractions to begin on their own. I am prepared to try natural ways to augment the start of contractions (walking, nipple stimulation, etc.)
-I know it's a "frivolous" request but I would really feel more comfortable in my own clothes during labour, birth and post-partum.

PEOPLE IN THE ROOM
-I request that I have the fewest number of people in the room as possible (please no extra students, residents etc. Just the doctor, nurse and baby nurse)
-I would like to have no other visitors or guests, etc., before or during labour. It should be just me and my husband.

FIRST STAGE OF LABOUR
-I request that only intermittent fetal monitoring be done and that I not be hooked up to an IV so that I can be mobile throughout this stage of labour.
-I request that vaginal exams be limited (one upon arrival to the hospital and one when I feel the urge to push). I don't want to be disappointed by a low number.
-I am aware that pain medications are available. If I need them I will ask, so please don't ask me if I want them.
-I plan to manage my pain in a variety of ways: changing positions, using an exercise ball, walking, using water (shower/ tub), etc.
- Please do not break my water... I would like that to happen on its own

SECOND STAGE OF LABOUR
-I would like to choose the position in which I push in ( this most likely will not be on my back)
-I would like to push without coaching or "counting to ten". I will push and breathe at my own pace
-As long as my baby and I are healthy I prefer no time limits on pushing
-please use perineal massage and warm compresses on my perineum
-I would rather risk a tear than have an episiotomy... Please get my consent before doing an episiotomy.
-please do not use forceps or a vacuum extractor unless absolutely necessary... Again please get my consent before using them.

BABY'S HEARTBEAT
If the heart rate if my baby becomes a concern I would like to do the following:
-eat and drink something to see if the extra sugars will wake the baby up
-change positions to see if this moves the baby off of his umbilical cord
-after this, I'd like to have the heart rate checked with a handheld Doppler
-please rub the baby's head to see if his positively affects the heart rate

C-SECTION
- I STRONGLY hope to avoid a cesarean section. However, if one becomes necessary I would like my husband to be present at all times of the operation.
-I would like to touch/hold my baby as soon as possible... Before an examination of the baby.
-I would liked husband to be with the baby at all times

POST-BIRTH
-I'd like to hold my baby immediately after birth as I know how important skin to skin is
-I'd like the staff to wait until the umbilical cord stops pulsing before clamping it
-I would like my husband to cut the cord
- I do not want routine Pitocin post-partum. I have confidence that the uterine contractions that occur when breast feeding my baby will help deliver the placenta and stop any hemorrhaging
-I would like to have all routine newborn procedures post-poned until after I have held and breasted my baby. I would especially like to post pone eye ointment
-I would like all newborn procedures to be done in my presence, while I am ( or my husband is) holding/touching the baby.
-NO HepB vaccine! I understand it is important that my baby receive the full gamut of vaccinations as a baby but I would rather delay them and do them on my own schedule.

*If at any time there are complications and the baby has any problems I'd like my husband to be with the baby at all times!*

I am excited to bring my baby into the world naturally, and I am excited to bring him home as soon as possible. I would prefer to be discharged as soon as we can, especially at this time of year where whooping cough and Norwalk virus are around. I understand that I will have to being my baby back for PKU testing within a few days and will definitely do this. I have always struggled with being comfortable in a hospital and would just prefer to be back home with my family and personal support system as soon as possible. This will allow me to rest better, and will allow me to relax and bond better with my baby and will allow my milk to let down more easily as well.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this over and for all of your patience and understanding. This once in a lifetime experience (having my first baby) is something I look forward to with anticipation and joy.

And So We Wait

Well, once again I apologize for being MIA on this blog for the past few months. I really have no excuse. So instead of dwelling on it I am just going to move onwards and upwards and assume most of the people that read this will forgive me :)

I guess the biggest thing to update you on us the fact that I am now 38 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yes, I have survived the roller coaster of emotions and physical changes that come with being pregnant for the first time-yahoo!- and now I can truly say I really have loved every minute of it. Sure the morning sickness and the mood swings and the exhaustion is difficult but I believe that it just makes the reward of bring a life into this world that much more meaningful. The Lird has blessed me with the ability to co-create with Him this little boy that is growing inside of me... what an incredible privilege it is!

I have to say that the last 9 months really have brought Mitch and me closer together. We have been together for 8 and 1/2 years now (5 dating and 3 1/2 married) and I can say - with much confidence- that we are ready to be parents together. We aren't naive to think that having a baby is going to be all sunshine and lollipops. We know it's going to change our lives for ever, but we also know that we will be there to support each other through it all. We know that our love brought this life into being and we can trust in that love.

So, now that the 9 months is over, and our little boy is considered to be "full term" we simply get to wait. We'll wait for the last leg of this incredible journey. We'll wait for the real work - the labour - to kick in (I've been sitting at 3cm dilation for the past 2 weeks). And when it does, we will be excited to bring our little "Luke" into our lives. I am nervous but excited for the delivery process but I am able to stay relatively calm about it knowing that I will have my incredible husband by my side, and our ever-present Father watching over us all.

I can't wait to hear that little cry and to hold my baby boy for the first time.